Obviously I have wondered if the vampires whose lives don’t suck actually have the ability to charm or lure others into their unholy spell. It’s a little like the Force in Star Wars for me. Like how you think you can move a roll of toilet paper while you sit on the toilet if you just concentrate enough, waiting for that one moment where you see a single ply flip. It would change your life. You would know there was more out there. But of course, the ply never moves, and you sulk in disappointment as you wait for a pseudo-gelatinous mass of putridity to eject from your body and disappear into the void of the sewage system. It’s about as close as I can think of to the disappointment I feel when I stare at people in society, usually girls, and try desperately to influence their souls into falling madly in love with me, blind to my grotesque physique and questionable age.
On the odd occasion, someone happens to turn and look in my general direction at the same time as my psychic vampire waves cover their bodies with the essence of desperation and virtually unparalleled perversion. Thus far it has never turned out to be a glance in my favor. Usually they see someone behind me and run joyously into their arms, or their glance passes me entirely and even the atrocity that is my appearance doesn’t snag their eyes long enough to know that I am a living thing… debatably… and not a trash can or pile of logs. I have been confused for both before. I have seen a few people actually make eye contact though. If I am lucky, they don’t make a face as though they just watched a village get slaughtered before their eyes.
It has become clear to me that the only way I can lure anyone will be with the wiles of the internet. I just have to figure out how to be an alluring personality in a medium that doesn’t include seeing me, hearing me, or really engaging me in any capacity. While I hear the word “influencer” around these days, I have doubts that anyone could be influenced by me unless the vampire curse came through for the first time ever and granted me at least the ability to control people’s minds. Something tells me I shouldn’t put much hope into that one.
I like to fantasize about running a youtube channel where people get to exploit my inability to die. How much could I potentially make by being a test dummy for new chemicals, firearms, crash testing, and so much more! I know I would watch a video showing exactly what would happen to a human body if an M-80 was detonated in its mouth, only to have the whole head regenerate after the explosion. It’s like a win-win. I could go on forever with horrible things that no human should want to watch but I don’t want to plant this gold mine into the eyes of my audience. You know, the zero people reading this confession. Suppose, however, another misled vampiric joke managed to pull this off first without the FBI breaking their door down right away. It would be the one thing I regret more than not getting revenge… and the whole falling for the vampire bit thing too. Well, honestly, there are tons of regrets that might tower over this one.
Somehow I don’t think the world is quite ready for a living dead social media presence. Well, the world probably is ready. The government isn’t. Until I can figure out how to use my alleged vampire allure to enchant the entire world all at once, I can probably keep this fantasy locked deep and far in the crevices of time.